Welcome to my page! My name is Gavin Borden and for the past four years I have furthered my academic career at Old Dominion University studying Cybersecurity and Cybercrime. Throughout this journey, I have achieved an academic understanding of topics previously thought to be out of my reach, developing many critical skills along the way, the core three of which are expressed, and outlined within this page. Below is a short narrative that showcases something I am incredibly passionate about, serving as an introduction into who I am personally, some of the challenges I have overcome throughout my academic career, as well as some insight into the aforementioned developed skills. Thank you for viewing my page and I hope that you are able to learn something new about who, and what I am.
The Association of Panic and Starting Over
As a child, trapped within a developing brain amidst a sea of adults who talk down to you, the world, and everything within it, can feel scary. This feeling of fear within an adolescent brain is a unique situation as commonly they are simply afraid of the unknown. For as long as I can remember, I have closely connected with this idea, more expansively referring to it as a fear of the unknown. While I can only vaguely remember instances of these feelings, I only clearly remember the early stages of my developing anxiety issues and panic disorder, being able to recite every detail should I be asked. As a child, those feelings are among the most terrifying, as the unknown becomes everything around you, including those details you find comfort in. Living with issues such as this only progressed throughout my youth, worsening throughout teenage years and into early adulthood; I partly expected to feel used to it by now, however am still occasionally trapped behind the emotions associated with panic, and that fear of the unknown.
For this reason the end of high school was bitter sweet. While most of my peers associated with this new stretch of freedom as a way to branch out and become their own person, I closely associated graduation with an eerily uncomfortable feeling, like someone was removing my guard rails that I had closely constructed throughout the years. I was now to find a new path, a new set of guidelines, alone with my thoughts and fears even while accompanied by supportive parents and friends. The path I eventually found led to Old Dominion University; a sea-side college located in the heart of Norfolk, Virginia, my home away from home. Connecting myself with ODU was easy as I knew the area from visiting my grandparents often. The concept of starting over felt more comfortable here as I felt I had a window into what my life could look like, and the unknowns became more bearable. An acceptance letter, a business major selection, and my first dorm room later and the reality began to set in, the comfort of my old routine and surroundings were gone, and I had started over. I cherished this feeling of triumph as I began to view my new schedule, new school, new friends as positive things, my panic began to decrease as I became aware of my surroundings. While my roommate and I weren’t necessarily a great match, we still shared laughs and had good times. My first semester classes were interesting, and the format of university lectures were new and exciting. My grandparents were in proximity for the first time in my life, and they were moving to South Carolina… hang on. As the first domino fell I began to lose control of the perfect image and recognize the comforting embrace of my panic, my old friend who came to point out the negatives in a sea of positives. Before I knew it my roommate had dropped out, my classes became harder, my friends moved on, and I was alone and unsure of my future. At that point in time the world could agree, the future was uncertain, as I eagerly visited home during Spring Break I began to plan out my path forward, attempting to salvage the excitement I once had, only to find myself trapped all over again due to a pandemic.
The Sense of Belonging When You are Alone
Nguyen in her 2013 article titled “The ePortfolio as a Living Portal”, describes the early stages of college life as “an environment that brings together people from disparate backgrounds,” and as “a temporary home for students who pass through in a continuous cycle” (Nguyen, 2013). I found this interesting because of how greatly I connected with the ideas brought forward. The idea of a college is to bring together individuals from all walks of life, allowing them to connect with others in the same exact situation in an attempt to encourage cooperation and the building of relationships. The experience of this connection takes the edge off, as you begin to see your position as a shared one alongside students attending the same classes, involved in the same major, joining the same clubs. The fear of the unknown that comes with a new life is viciously cut down when you are surrounded by people who are in the same position, but is greatly enhanced when you are alone. Attempting to navigate the early stages of my educational career behind a computer screen in my mother’s basement clouded not only my judgement but my sense of drive and personal power. My brain, like the darkness of the room I was trapped in for a year, was clouded in uncertainty and self-loathing. While I wished for the traditional college experience, I was finding myself more focused on the uncertainty of my educational, and professional future. I hated my major, and was eager to be rid of it, however, I simultaneously had no connection to any other topics or ideas. I noticed myself wading opposed to swimming, simply letting the current take me as I procrastinated in even finding a new major, or simply a new goal. The problem with feelings of panic is that you truly think some of your most rational thoughts while overwhelmed by it, you just don’t know how exactly to approach them.
My decision ultimately was not one out of interest, or one out of curiosity, it was made from a desire to challenge myself, and connect with others who were possibly in the same situation as I was. The minute I switched my major to Cybersecurity, I strangely felt calm, as if I was saying to myself ‘whatever happens, happens.’ Immediately I enrolled in classes that would challenge me, I viewed this decision as the better of two evils. To my brain at the time, my options were to challenge myself and become swallowed by the courses I was signing up for, or to remain in the abyssal comfort of the classes I had been taking, where I had too much time to sit and comprehend my own thoughts. The difficulty of the classes were apparent, from Intro to Object Oriented Programming with Dr. Kalburgi to Networked Systems Security with Dr. Runyan I was immediately challenged and engaged. My decision to make the switch was quickly noticeable as the correct choice as I found myself associating more with my peers and professors, and as I was becoming more interested in the topic. I found myself involved with peer study groups, attending office hours just to observe and ask questions, ultimately impressing myself with my desired sense of involvement when compared to the first half of the pandemic. Before I knew it, I was fully involved with my new major, while also recognizing a new found sense of accomplishment that came with overcoming what was easily the hardest challenge of my life.
Panic as a Tool When Moving On
Upon arriving back at campus, my sense of starting over began to return as I once again found myself moving to a new place, registering for new classes, while preparing to meet new people. This time however, I found the process easier, and began to wonder what had changed. During the pandemic my mental health had taken a nosedive, but when compared to my freshman semester I was feeling more confident and motivated. I pondered this idea throughout my entire junior year at ODU, throughout the courses I took those two semesters, while connecting to that idea during situations when my panic would normally take over. I began to view my internal struggle as a tool I had taken full advantage of in the moment, as without it I would have still been trapped, unhappy with a major that didn’t satisfy me. I found the challenge of cybersecurity as a routine rather than a goal, where there was always a new, unique problem that required my attention. Ultimately, I approached my senior semester eagerly taking an internship with LightGrid LLC, a cybersecurity and telecommunications contractor, a step I would not normally had taken without careful consideration and mental preparation. Throughout my senior year, even with my anxiety and subsequent panic present and without a metaphorical cease fire, I began to utilize my fears as a way to drive myself beyond the limits I unknowingly set for myself all those years ago.
While I currently await my graduation date, I reflect on my journey throughout my educational career and recognize not my accomplishments, but my goals. Entering a four-year degree, my only goal was to graduate, so that my mother would be proud. However, I soon found myself looking back on that singular, simplistic goal, and realizing just how much I chose to accomplish instead. Even with my own hinderance at times, I was able to push beyond my own struggles to build something I could be proud of, a skillset I am eager to continue to explore alongside individuals I love working alongside. Even with my internship ending this coming summer, I calmly look forward to what lies beyond graduation, knowing that my sense of being isn’t one that needs to be particular and planned, but can sometimes be chaotic and sudden. Reflecting back on my high school graduation, I feel very similar to how I did back then, however, this time my fear of the unknown feels like a driving force opposed to one that will hold me back. Overcoming personal obstacles at times feels entirely impossible, requiring an intense sense of self-understanding that few are able to truly come to terms with. Individuals like me who struggle with similar issues view themselves as trapped far too often, but it is never too late to find the strength to guide yourself when you feel trapped in the dark.
References
Nguyen, C. F. (2013). The ePortfolio as a Living Portal: A Medium for Student Learning, Identity, and Assessment. International Journal of EPortfolio, 3(2), 135–148.