“Close them legs, sit up straight with your back on the chair, you are becoming a woman and us ladies do not sit that way in any kind of unorderly manner. You are sending a message to them little boys to come in. When I was sixteen, I was pregnant with your mother, you do not want to end up like me, with child at a young age and nobody to turn to,” said my grandmother. My grandmother would always scare me, when she had “the talk” conversation with me. The fear she put in me, made me realize that being a virgin is sacred.
Growing up my grandmother was the main person telling my sisters and me not to give our virginities away. I truly love my grandma and I appreciate her, but she always gave us tough love and it did scar me a bit. If it was not for her scary advice, I would not be aware as I am of my surroundings today. The context of her statements was harsh bu tis just shows how much she did not want us to end up pregnant.
My belief about sex and sexuality have changed since I was that little girl, my perspective has changed and my own definition about sex and sexuality. Growing up, I grew up in a Christian home and church, my grandmother expressed to me how important it is to stay a virgin until marriage. She was pregnant with my mom at fifteen and gave birth to her at sixteen years old. By the time my grandmother was eighteen, she had three children. My mother told me life was difficult and hard because she watched her mom struggle. She believes that guys truly do want a relationship and the only thing they desire is sex. Also, she told me to not fall under peer pressure from peers, and to stand up forwhat I believe in. “I was once a teenager believe it or not, your time will come so do not rush it,” stated my mom. My mother made me realized that being a virgin is okay and its fine at my age. She told me to imagine of a “beautiful flower,” that was given just to me. If I decided to make that decision to give it to someone, this person should treat the flower gracefully. However, my grandmother never broke it down to me like my mom has, she just tried to frighten me about having sex.
Since, elementary school up to high school, I thought I had a clue, but I did not know the exact meaning about sex and sexuality. When I was in elementary school, I remember one of my classmates asked me to kiss him during nap time. It seemed gross and I only saw adults partake in that act, so I politely rejected his offer. In the fifth grade, we had health educators come in and talk about sex with us. After they introduced themselves, the lady put a diagram of a vagina on the projector. She gave us a brief definition of each part of the vagina and asked did anyone know what a menstrual cycle is. The lady did not explain what is was, she just said if you have any questions about it come to her. Then, the other lady ended up showing us a video of a mom talking to her child about where babies came from. In the next scene, it was an animated video of a penis and a vagina in the act of sexual intercourse. It presented the movement inside the vagina and the shaft of the penis, that’s all. None of us knew what was going on in the scene, because we couldn’t tell what it was. After that clip, it went back to the conversation amongst the mother and the child. She proceeds by saying when two people truly love each other, they will come together, and the mom will become pregnant. While she was explaining herself, she sounded depressed as if she did not even believe her own self about the love making aspect of sex. Then the video ended, and no one had questions except for me. I raised my hand and my friend put it down, because nobody else had any questions. In the video, the movement of the penis in the vagina looked painful. Since, nobody raised their hand except for me. The educators decided to pass out index cards instead, and we were only allowed to ask two to three questions. I wrote on the note card, “Does sex hurt,” and the response I received did not explain anything. The lady wrote, “it depends on the person and their experiences.” In the fifth grade, I did not know what she meant about that, I wanted her to clarify and she just looked at me.
In middle school, I started to find people attracted but I never had that attraction feeling growing up. I fully developed in middle school, and it was the absolute worse and my hormones were off the charts. I developed a crush on the security guard at my school, I thought all the boys in my classes were mean and unintelligent. However, one day, the security guard came into my class and his voice was very feminine-like and had a little more chest than guys have. I asked my teacher was he sick and she looked at me oddly. My teacher proceeds and stated that the security guard was not a man but a woman. I was in a shocking but in a confused state, the security guard looked like a man. It did not occur to me that I was a lesbian, because I thought the security guard was a man. At that time, I was ignorant to the topics, sexuality and sex. Being attracted to the security guard I thought I could be still straight. Today, you are basically forced to put down your sexual orientation on important documents. Putting down your sex on documents is different from putting your sexuality on it. Sometimes the desk receptionist will recommend you to a physician based upon your sex and comfort level. In my opinion,writing down your sexual orientation is unnecessary. Half of time the other options are unavailable, and you will have to chose from the common three answers; straight, gay, or bisexual. Some people do not identify with these sexualities and others may identify with more than two sexualities. Sexuality and sex are broad terms, it is up to that individual to make their own interpretation about sex and sexuality. Sex could be either identifying an individual’s gender or it can be sexual or the sexual act. People have their own perspective on what sex and sexuality means. In my own perspective, I truly believe that is three sexes and multiple genders, others may say otherwise. It is a broad topic; nothing is concrete about sex and sexuality.