Is This What It Is?

A brain dump

In my house we never discussed two things: relationships and sex

You never brought them up because “ I wasn’t old enough”

Imagine being a senior in highschool and just having your first kiss

First kiss turned into first boyfriend and I was so sure I was in love

Because no one had taught me that that isn’t how it works

My confusion and pain were the only things left in the aftermath after he 

Expressed that he needed someone more “experienced”

I went through my whole freshmen year of college sad and angry 

That I couldn’t just be the girl who was confident or the girl that did what

She wanted because she could and it felt good

I was left feeling awkward when boys would ask to come over or spend the night

I just couldn’t get his words out of my head.. “Experienced”

One night I drank enough to drown out his words and ended up going home with someone of minor importance

Next weekend, same thing until it was like a broken record

I thought this is how you did it, this is how you were supposed to do it

But lust can only imitate the feeling of being loved for so long

For some reason now I feel less “experienced” than I was before

I feel like less of a person that the senior in highschool who fell in love after a first kiss

I miss my innocence about love, the way I idolized it, the way I thought it would be how it was in all the books I read

Maybe this is why my parents never talked to me about it

Or maybe I’m just growing up and this just is what it is.


Hey I’m Sarena Berkman . I’m a sophomore biology major with a concentration in Pre Dental, an active sister of Alpha Xi Delta and I also work at Perfectly Frank on Monarch Way!