I did not know that my life was going to drastically change that morning. I figured it would be like any other. I would wake up peacefully to the sun’s rays as they greet me good morning. However, that morning was anything but peaceful. In fact, it was dreadful. Painful. Heart-wrenching. I woke up to my sister busting into my room like she had seen a ghost. Perhaps she did.

“Duchess, Joshlyn is missing!” exclaimed my sister.
“Xence, what are you talking about?” I asked, barely awake.
“It’s all over social media. Check your phone.”

As I turned to grab my phone, a sense of anxiety and dread overcame me. I became frantic. I was hoping that this was just a big misunderstanding. A sick joke even. I checked my social media, and it was flooded with pictures of my best friend captioned, “Missing.” The walls of my world seemed to cave in. I was suffocating, each breath a struggle against the heavy weight that became afflicted upon me. It felt like someone punched me in my stomach as hard as they could. At the time, I was 15 years old, trapped by my immaturity. I could not just hop in a car and immediately go looking for her like I wanted to. I felt helpless. I began to panic and started calling and texting everyone I knew, desperate for answers. I was searching for my best friend. Everyone was in shock. We all wanted to know where Joshyln was. This was the first time I witnessed the city come together as one, trying to put together clues in order to find her. I was holding my breath, waiting for someone to tell me that she was found. Every passing moment felt like an eternity. I could not exhale until I knew she was safe and sound.

“Take down your posts,” her brother stated on a Snapchat post. My friends and I assumed they found her. I was so relieved. Finally, it was my moment to exhale. I just knew it was a big misunderstanding. “Yes! Yes! They found her,” I exclaimed happily. Unfortunately, my happiness was cut short quickly. They did indeed find her, but they did not find her alive.

“Joshlyn killed herself!”

These horrific words imploded from my sister’s mouth. Even though I could not believe what I was hearing, the fact remained that Joshlyn was deceased. It was ruled as a suicide. A suicide.* When I heard the devastating news, the world went quiet. All I could do was stare at the wall. Everything stood still. It felt as if my lungs had collapsed. My mind began to wander aimlessly.

How could this be? Is this a joke? No, no. We promised each other to never take our lives. How could she break our promise? I held my end of the bargain. How could she do this to me?!

So many unanswered questions were spinning around in my head. My thoughts were tormenting me. I was in such a state of disbelief to the point where I could not even cry when I received the unexpected news. There was no way this was true. My best friend of all people. I was going back and forth in my mind trying to make sense of the situation with the little information I received. I sat there in denial. She did not do that to herself. She could not have. Why would she? Sure life has its ups and downs, but it could not have been that bad right? Right?

Then, I became enraged. “How could she be so selfish? She knew I needed her here! “ I thought to myself. She decided to make a permanent decision to a temporary issue. If only she would have held on a little longer, then maybe things would have started to look up for her. I knew she went through hardships, but I was unaware of how bad it had gotten until I talked to her other friends. You really never know what a person is going through despite how happy they may seem.

To make matters worse, the family did not have a proper burial for her. Many of her loved ones did not get to see her for a final time. My last interaction with her was in school before the covid release. If I knew that was my last time seeing her, I would have hugged her longer and tighter. I would have told her how special she was and that the world needed a girl like her. Joshlyn made the world brighter.

Suicide not only ended Joshlyn’s life, but it shattered the lives and hearts of her loved ones. I have to live with many questions unanswered. Without closure. Without my best friend. I will never get the chance to feel her warm embrace and magnetic presence again. Her death had a profound impact on those around her, leaving them scarred emotionally and psychologically forever.