Where is this going and what am I getting myself into?

To be very frank, I am not sure how I feel about this trip coming up so soon. On one hand, I am eager to be in Poland and be able to learn from others various dimensions of the Shoah. On the other hand, it makes my heart sick.

Reading “Holocaust by Bullets” by Father Patrick Dubois, I can see how his own personal connection brought him to study and investigate various killing sites across eastern Europe, beginning in Rawa-Ruska. I myself, am the granddaughter of a Holocaust survivor.

Born in Hamborn, Germany near Duisburg my  paternal grandmother, Susan Simon was in hiding for a few years before she and her family obtained passage on the steamship Villa de Madrid. The steamship (pictured left) sailed from Barcelona to Gibraltar to the Canary Islands and finally Ellis Island. Before being allowed to board the Villa de Madrid, she and her family had their citizenship revoked by the German government and the obligatory middle name “Sarah” was added to her passport. Germany closed its borders to any further emigration six months after she and family were able to leave. They arrived in Boston in June 1941.

For me, this was something I generally knew about my grandmother, my roots, and how my family came to be. Just like Father Dubois with his grandfather, I never learned the intricacies of the events that led my grandmother here. Contrary to Father Dubois and his upbringing, the story of the Shoah is not an easy one for my family to retell. I am still unsure how this has effected various dimensions of my father’s side of the family. It’s hard for me to reconcile the absolute privilege I have to be a Jew in this place, in this time, with what I know my family and millions of others and billions throughout history have had to endure.

The past year, I have been to Israel twice, to look at a land built up by survivors and begin to understand the basis of anti-semitism. At a forum on Peace in the Middle East I attended, I heard an interesting idea about the basis of Nazi hatred. The speaker said something to the effect of there being a great fear among Nazi’s because they could not easily differentiate Jews from “Aryans”. That because visible differences were difficult, the fear was in Jews tainting the “pure” German population. This was fear of the unknown. Did you have Jewish ancestry? Would you face persecution? Were the Jews infiltrating the Blood and Honor of Germany?

This is one of the things I am most proud of now, the various identities I hold and that I am able to (generally safely) express myself. As a Jewish, Latina, Queer woman, I know that these are identities that others may fear. This fear comes from stereotypes, lack of human connection, exposure, and the fear of the unknown. Despite, or perhaps in the face of, hate, I know the importance of living my truth and believing in the best of the human race. I know that this trip will hurt. Hurt me in both familiar and new ways. I welcome these experiences as the opportunity to grow and learn… further increasing my ability to empathize and live with responsibility.